My but it has been a long time since I vented. I mean...I do to some extent via diary, facebook, emails and verbally to others on a daily basis. But there are things that I just can't say even there. Or if I do...no one seems to care.
I have been trying so hard to keep myself occupied and upbeat. Most of the time I find myself sitting in front of the computer hoping and praying that someone will talk to me. Don't get me wrong, I do talk to people but I need more. I crave more. I am a social person and crave interaction with others. I sit here some days and not one person will talk to me. Not one. I make comments on their statements. I send person mesages. I even break down and will send a HI via chat only for that person to suddenly become offline. I am lonely. I try to do my school and try to do things to keep me active both physically and mentally. But I need to talk to people. I barely get that even when anyone is home. Roomie can't talk...it would interfer with TV. Hubby won't talk...well...he does but not about shit we need to discuss or should discuss. Even when we do on those rare occasions...it ends up being all talk and nothing else.
Half the time when there is a conversation going on about anything anyway...my voice is not heard. I am only interupted when I do attempt.
This is also day 2 without my blood pressure, cholerstrol and water pills. I have talked to my pharmisist and they know of nothing or nowhere for me to obtain freebies. I mean...BP are $80 a month, and the other 2 would be about $40 more. It can't be afforded right now. So, I research and find a few herbs, vitamins and suppliements I should start talking that could aide in my blood pressure. All much cheapier than the pills themselves would be. I also research a bit and find that more of a vegaritain diet would be good for me. However I didn't even get a complete sentence out regarding when hubby told me..."We can't afford for you to do that or go vegartian." Guess I don't amount to much at all!!
So...again just some mindless stuff.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Medical Research
So, yesterday I heard a commercial about a women's sexual enhancement medical research looking for participants. Being unemployed I am thinking..."Hum. Might get paid to participate and might get my blood pressure treated as well. I went to the web site and signed up. Now just waiting for someone to contact me to complete the survey. I wonder if the diagnosis I have of bone on bone arthritis in my right hip will make a difference. I admit, it has made a difference in my decisions to have or not have sex! I am afraid it will break on me in the heat of passion. LOL!
That was yesterday and today I am wondering if I should have even applied. I am thinking about just telling them to forget about it when and if they do call me. It has been since April of 2007 since I have had sex. And I am not sure that it is all because I have taken blood pressure and cholesterol medications for years or if it is just a general lack of interest? Ok, let me explain this.
I have been married 25 years. It may be a bit longer than April of 2007 since I have had sex but would not be by much. I enjoy sex and for the most part sex has always been good. On my anniversary in April of 2007, my husband had the nerve to ask/beg me to allow his friend to come and stay with us. I do not care for this person but I allowed it. His moving in put a damper on my anniversary plans and because he is a pervert I never felt comfortable having sex while he was staying there.
There are other reasons I am going to explain here that were starting to make an impact on my desire/mood for sex anyway. I keep saying "sex" instead of "making love". Does that give one a clue? I still today will tell my husband that the fire is not out it just needs stoking. And there lies a majority of the problem...no foreplay.
Don't get me wrong! We have had some excellent love making times down through the years. But for the most part I get nothing out of our foreplay.
Foreplay to my husband consist of the words "give me a blow job." I do not let him return the favor in the oral sex department. He has made attempts down through the years but he isn't that interested. It is not giving him any satisfaction and his disinterest is noticeable. His idea of foreplay beside the oral satisfaction for him is more like children having a tickle fight. Ya know, when you are young and in love you tend to overlook these things and yes, the childish tickle fights have proven to be fun. But sometimes I want and need more. I want to be made love to.
Earlier in our relationship I told my husband my turn ons and offs. I told him my fantasies. I use to love to have my ear lobes, neck and shoulders nibbled and kissed. Somehow this translated into licking my face like a dog and slobbering in my ears. I use to have my breast caressed but the only part of my nipple my husband even acknowledges is there are my nipples. They have been pinched, seriously PINCHED to the point I have no more feeling in them. And he wonders why I flinch and cover myself when he reaches for them!
My husband loves me I know. I know he does still want me because he still makes feeble attempts but those are more of a turn off and he looks so pleading and pitiful that it turns me off. They are still the childish attempts at play to eventually lead to sex. The same old crap I've put up with for years. Just once I wish he would touch me and let me know he thinks of me as a sexual woman. No caresses or touches...just play, poke and pinch. Not a romantic anything.
All of this has been discussed over and over again. Down through the years I have bought little books about making love, paying attention to your wife and given on Valentine's, birthdays and just because. However he has not gotten the clue.
Don't get me started on kissing. It has been longer than 3 years since I have been kissed. Other than the peck on the lips!! Hubby and I use to make out like crazy and you know kissing is a major part of making love and sex. Or it is for me anyway. I love deep kisses while getting deep. LOL! Shortly after marriage hubby simply says..." I never cared much for all that kissing. I just did it because you like it and when it is all we could do at the time, I did it." So, there ya go. No deep passionate kisses for many, many years. And no making love for a few and definitely no sex for 3 years.
I still think about it. I still fantasize about it. But I now wonder if I need enhancement or just need to find a more direct hit hubby upside of the head lessons in love making.
Wish Me Luck.
That was yesterday and today I am wondering if I should have even applied. I am thinking about just telling them to forget about it when and if they do call me. It has been since April of 2007 since I have had sex. And I am not sure that it is all because I have taken blood pressure and cholesterol medications for years or if it is just a general lack of interest? Ok, let me explain this.
I have been married 25 years. It may be a bit longer than April of 2007 since I have had sex but would not be by much. I enjoy sex and for the most part sex has always been good. On my anniversary in April of 2007, my husband had the nerve to ask/beg me to allow his friend to come and stay with us. I do not care for this person but I allowed it. His moving in put a damper on my anniversary plans and because he is a pervert I never felt comfortable having sex while he was staying there.
There are other reasons I am going to explain here that were starting to make an impact on my desire/mood for sex anyway. I keep saying "sex" instead of "making love". Does that give one a clue? I still today will tell my husband that the fire is not out it just needs stoking. And there lies a majority of the problem...no foreplay.
Don't get me wrong! We have had some excellent love making times down through the years. But for the most part I get nothing out of our foreplay.
Foreplay to my husband consist of the words "give me a blow job." I do not let him return the favor in the oral sex department. He has made attempts down through the years but he isn't that interested. It is not giving him any satisfaction and his disinterest is noticeable. His idea of foreplay beside the oral satisfaction for him is more like children having a tickle fight. Ya know, when you are young and in love you tend to overlook these things and yes, the childish tickle fights have proven to be fun. But sometimes I want and need more. I want to be made love to.
Earlier in our relationship I told my husband my turn ons and offs. I told him my fantasies. I use to love to have my ear lobes, neck and shoulders nibbled and kissed. Somehow this translated into licking my face like a dog and slobbering in my ears. I use to have my breast caressed but the only part of my nipple my husband even acknowledges is there are my nipples. They have been pinched, seriously PINCHED to the point I have no more feeling in them. And he wonders why I flinch and cover myself when he reaches for them!
My husband loves me I know. I know he does still want me because he still makes feeble attempts but those are more of a turn off and he looks so pleading and pitiful that it turns me off. They are still the childish attempts at play to eventually lead to sex. The same old crap I've put up with for years. Just once I wish he would touch me and let me know he thinks of me as a sexual woman. No caresses or touches...just play, poke and pinch. Not a romantic anything.
All of this has been discussed over and over again. Down through the years I have bought little books about making love, paying attention to your wife and given on Valentine's, birthdays and just because. However he has not gotten the clue.
Don't get me started on kissing. It has been longer than 3 years since I have been kissed. Other than the peck on the lips!! Hubby and I use to make out like crazy and you know kissing is a major part of making love and sex. Or it is for me anyway. I love deep kisses while getting deep. LOL! Shortly after marriage hubby simply says..." I never cared much for all that kissing. I just did it because you like it and when it is all we could do at the time, I did it." So, there ya go. No deep passionate kisses for many, many years. And no making love for a few and definitely no sex for 3 years.
I still think about it. I still fantasize about it. But I now wonder if I need enhancement or just need to find a more direct hit hubby upside of the head lessons in love making.
Wish Me Luck.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Disappointment
It has been a week now since I joined the ranks of the unemployed. I still do not regret this decision. In the last year of my job I have been under a lot of stress. It was time I left to follow my dream. I am studying interfaith ministry and want to open a "gathering place" soon. Plans for that have been in the making for many years but with luck, will become a reality in a few short months.
I am having a few moments of WTF happened and what will I do? But I still have Faith and Believe that I will be provided for and this will all work out.
My hubby is a bit concerned. I find it amazing how I can be the only bread winner for years also being the one to carry any and all insurance we have but when I am not working, he has a fit! Says he can't do it all by himself but yet I did! He is in construction and I realize that during the winters business is slow. And with today's economy things are slow as well. So, he sat for about six weeks doing nothing but farm on Facebook while I worried about how to pay the bills. Now the tables have turned and he is freaking! I am too but ya know what...I am ready to sit on my butt for a few. I am studying to get my degree and working towards bringing in some money but dang! LOL!
But my mindless stuff for today is something I just cannot forget about nor understand and I have to get it off my chest.
Family. As mentioned in my earlier post, my son and daughter-in-law have gifted me with a handsome grandson. I never thought I would have grandkids and my son is 37 and my daughter is 24. Son thought he could never have kids and daughter does not want yet. So I am very excited to have my grandson.
The problem with family I am having is this: when son got married...my side of family and in-laws more or less ignored their wedding. No gifts or money given. That hurt big time. Really hurt! And now that I have my grandson..no acknowledgment.
I had a "grandma" shower. Son lives out of state and if we'd lived near I would be having a shower so why not? I had a good turn out with good gifts from friends. In-laws made baby blankets/afghans that were beautiful. Nothing from my side of the family.
Now that grandson is born, I have sent pictures to everyone. Of course my side is excited and have commented on how handsome grandson is and how he looks like daddy...but not one flipping word from in-laws. I have sent the pictures over and over asking them direct questions and nothing. All I get from them is forwarded crap emails. Am I wrong?!? I would expect or hope for some type of acknowledgment!.
Heck...no one from either side even mentioned our 25th anniversary a few months back. That also disappointed me.
I just don't understand how family can be so cold.
Tnanks for listening all.
I am having a few moments of WTF happened and what will I do? But I still have Faith and Believe that I will be provided for and this will all work out.
My hubby is a bit concerned. I find it amazing how I can be the only bread winner for years also being the one to carry any and all insurance we have but when I am not working, he has a fit! Says he can't do it all by himself but yet I did! He is in construction and I realize that during the winters business is slow. And with today's economy things are slow as well. So, he sat for about six weeks doing nothing but farm on Facebook while I worried about how to pay the bills. Now the tables have turned and he is freaking! I am too but ya know what...I am ready to sit on my butt for a few. I am studying to get my degree and working towards bringing in some money but dang! LOL!
But my mindless stuff for today is something I just cannot forget about nor understand and I have to get it off my chest.
Family. As mentioned in my earlier post, my son and daughter-in-law have gifted me with a handsome grandson. I never thought I would have grandkids and my son is 37 and my daughter is 24. Son thought he could never have kids and daughter does not want yet. So I am very excited to have my grandson.
The problem with family I am having is this: when son got married...my side of family and in-laws more or less ignored their wedding. No gifts or money given. That hurt big time. Really hurt! And now that I have my grandson..no acknowledgment.
I had a "grandma" shower. Son lives out of state and if we'd lived near I would be having a shower so why not? I had a good turn out with good gifts from friends. In-laws made baby blankets/afghans that were beautiful. Nothing from my side of the family.
Now that grandson is born, I have sent pictures to everyone. Of course my side is excited and have commented on how handsome grandson is and how he looks like daddy...but not one flipping word from in-laws. I have sent the pictures over and over asking them direct questions and nothing. All I get from them is forwarded crap emails. Am I wrong?!? I would expect or hope for some type of acknowledgment!.
Heck...no one from either side even mentioned our 25th anniversary a few months back. That also disappointed me.
I just don't understand how family can be so cold.
Tnanks for listening all.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Ya ever have...
so much to say that you don't know where to start? Wanted to tell a story, voice opinions, sing praises, cry, complain and bitch? Earlier in my husband and I's marriage he would ask me that "penny for your thoughts?" and I would tell him he would have to say "stop" first because the thoughts go so fast. They all seem to connect but yet are so random. And again...those are called "zings" because while talking I do tend to go off randomly subject to subject. Sorta like my writing.
There have been so many changes in my life within the last few hours, days weeks even years. More to come for better or for worse. I have recently become unemployed after four years. So many thoughts there but yet, not near enough to voice as of yet. To soon and to painful. Therefore the changes to come. I've been through some rough times. I am sure this will also pass. While this has been my first full day of unemployment, my husband and son-in-law were able to find work. Yea. Balance.
My son and daughter-in-law have given me a handsome grandson as of Saturday. He looks like his daddy but I need to see some baby pictures of mama so I can see her as well. I am so excited and proud and happy. I have nieces younger than me that have had grandchildren for years now! No longer jealous. LOL.
however have faith. I have to have faith. I seem sometimes to be the only one to have any faith. Faith in myself. Faith in my family. Faith in my God.
There have been so many changes in my life within the last few hours, days weeks even years. More to come for better or for worse. I have recently become unemployed after four years. So many thoughts there but yet, not near enough to voice as of yet. To soon and to painful. Therefore the changes to come. I've been through some rough times. I am sure this will also pass. While this has been my first full day of unemployment, my husband and son-in-law were able to find work. Yea. Balance.
My son and daughter-in-law have given me a handsome grandson as of Saturday. He looks like his daddy but I need to see some baby pictures of mama so I can see her as well. I am so excited and proud and happy. I have nieces younger than me that have had grandchildren for years now! No longer jealous. LOL.
however have faith. I have to have faith. I seem sometimes to be the only one to have any faith. Faith in myself. Faith in my family. Faith in my God.
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